


please circle one of the above

by uriquack (CantabileCross)



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: College AU, Crack, M/M, may include semi-sensitive comedic topics, rearranged ages so they all fit as college students and non-minors, unbeta’d someone help me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-04 21:15:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14028888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantabileCross/pseuds/uriquack
Summary: In which Cai Xukun is the new pledge at Iota Pi Delta and all he really wants is to maintain his 4.0 GPA. College AU.





	1. prologue: yes or no or maybe so

Joining Iota Pi Delta, Xukun rationalizes, is ultimately to buff his resumé. It’s a professional fraternity, which is the only reason Xukun even so much as considered it in the first place, since it’d probably look pretty damn good under the “extracurricular activities” column on his resumé that would otherwise have been painfully empty. He’ll maintain his GPA, make himself look like a sociable and determined individual, and graduate quietly with little need for human communication. Membership doesn’t mean participation, Xukun’s learned long ago, and Xukun will limit his participation here to housing arrangements and strictly professional events, like career fairs, med school application counseling, and free donuts.

Really, though. That’s it. That’s the reason. Nothing else. Certainly not because there’s this really tall really cute guy sitting diagonal to him in OChem who wears a tacky sweatshirt with the Iota Pi Delta logo every day that Xukun would’ve probably hated had he not looked so warm and soft and comfy and perfect and other adjectives that make him think of nice things. But that’s definitely beside the point. Xukun is in college for a degree and a stable job, he can’t be fucked about some guy, even if his jawline looks like it’s cut from diamonds and his eyes light up like the sun on steroids when he laughs and—

Well, here he is.

In hindsight, maybe Xukun should’ve been more careful. Maybe he should’ve at least paid attention to the rumors. Maybe he should’ve done some research about what he was getting himself into. Maybe there was some kind of foreshadowing in the fact that the recruiter (tall and thin, soft voice, greets him with a bright “I’m Zhengting!”) told him don’t worry, your GPA’s great so you’ll get in even if you pull the interviewer’s chair out from beneath him so you definitely should, and the interviewer (bell-shaped bangs, briefly introduces himself as Ding Zeren, looks like the kind of guy that would run around setting things on fire for fun) explained that Zhengting likes Pepsi and pineapple on his pizza so don’t listen to anything he says and proceeded to spend the entire thirty minutes of the interview questioning him about breakfast foods.

But by the time he finds himself at the doorstep of Iota Pi Delta’s housing complex, face to face with a piece of 8x11 paper on which someone had printed “Chengcheng’s porn collection for sale, contact Xinchun for more information” in size 48 Comic Sans (underneath, five different ballpoint pen scribbles have offered, in full auction courtesy, from $18 up to $120, and ew, is that a Sriracha sauce stain), Xukun is pretty sure it’s too late to take it all back.

Against his better judgment, Xukun presses the doorbell once and waits. No answer. Xukun taps out a verse of a pop song on the side of his luggage case before ringing again. It’s broad daylight and 4 P.M. on a Tuesday so it’s understandable that everyone may be busy with classes, work, or, heaven forbid, social activities, but Zeren had assured Xukun someone would definitely be at home at all times, “‘cause Ziyang and Yue Yue spend thirteen hours a day playing League of Legends even though they suck,” and according to Zhengting “Mu Ziyang is a world-class shut-in, but he probably won’t even open the door for you because that involves too much interaction with the outside world.” Well, okay then.

A spring breeze brushes softly against the afternoon, tickling Xukun’s face. The Iota Pi Delta House is probably in the nicest corner of campus, with flowering trees dusted around a parking lot, sunlight shouting against stainless glass and a fresh paint job swept over peeling stucco. It almost feels appropriate for Xukun to close his eyes and just take in the atmosphere of his new home, breathe in the March air, and—

“Bi Wenjun!” someone screeches in a familiar voice that Xukun can’t quite put a finger on just yet, followed by what sounds like a dangerous crashing noise and then increasingly loud voices. “This is the fifth time I’ve caught you corrupting my precious children—”

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” a second voice hastily says with the tone of someone who’s done something wrong. “I was platonically giving Quanzhe and Zhenghao candy without any ulterior motives.”

The first voice responds with a melodic lilt and this time Xukun recognizes it as Zhengting’s, “How about I platonically step on your face without any ulterior motives?”

And then a smooth tenor that’s a little oily around the edges cuts in, “Don’t you think we should open the door first or something, it could be the new pledge, you know.”

To emphasize this point, Xukun presses the doorbell again.

“Nah, Bu Fan probably just forgot his keys again.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“It’s okay to leave Bu Fan outside, right?”

Xukun jabs the doorbell several times rapidly in protest.

“Yeah, that’s definitely Bu Fan.”

“Can we just leave him outside?”

“Shut up, he’ll hear you,” oily voice says rather loudly. “Last time Xiao Gui talked back to him he dumped two whole bottles of Sriracha sauce over his pillow.”

A gasp.

_"No."_

_“Yes.”_

____Guilty voice seems to finally catch on. “You don’t mean—”_ _ _ _

____“You know exactly what I mean.”_ _ _ _

____“The Byun Baekhyun Christmas edition body pillow?”_ _ _ _

____Xukun barely manages to choke back a scream, instead clearing his throat in the loudest, most obnoxious way he can. The three voices on the other side of the door immediately fall into silence. “Hello, my name is Cai Xukun and I was told that I’m eligible for the mid-semester pledge and that I should report here for my housing arrangement.”_ _ _ _

____Something clicks and immediately the door’s wide open. “Well,” oily voice says and Xukun notices he’s built kind of like a bouncer, “you should’ve said so earlier.”_ _ _ _

____“Come inside,” Zhengting sniffs, pulling guilty voice (lanky, model proportions, ugly sweater) out of the way, “it’s cold out.” Xukun’s almost forgotten how nicely red hair suited Zhengting when he’s greeted with golden-blonde, but decides blonde looks just as good. Maybe this is a Zhengting thing, he wonders as he rolls his luggage case over the doorstep plate, to look equally good in every kind of hair color._ _ _ _

____Bouncer practically drags Xukun down a narrow hall, sharp left, a little more then yanks him into an open room with couches, beanbags, a TV displaying the Mario Kart map selection screen, a claw machine, a small tea table, a foosball table, several shelves crammed with trophies, books and snapbacks, a tube of toothpaste on the floor that’s crusted over at the mouth, and too many eyes to count._ _ _ _

____Xukun quickly takes in the scene, tacking a few empty labels onto each person before filing them away in his head. There’s a guy who looks like he’s completely stoned (or maybe it’s his resting face) spread-eagled on a red beanbag with someone that looks like he was born between the pages of the romance manhua wedged under his arm. On one of the couches two abnormally tall guys (Xukun silently dubs them Headphones and Man Bun) are fidgeting with Wii remotes next to Hamster Face who’s picking at the wrapping of a box of what seems to be chocolates. At the other couch Perpetual Smile stands up to greet Xukun with a grin that creases his eyes into little crescents before sitting down again between Big Bang Groupie who’s dressed head to toe in full G-Dragon battle regalia and someone with mint-colored bangs that Xukun’s sure he’s seen somewhere before, in class or on the news or something._ _ _ _

____Zhengting and Ugly Sweater shuffle in from behind, towing Xukun’s luggage, and Zhengting briefly scans the room, which must be more vacant than it’s supposed to be because then he’s cupping Ugly Sweater’s fingers and and yelling through them, “Dinghao! Ziyi! Come out and greet the new pledge!”_ _ _ _

____A muffled “Okay!” and a few pounding footsteps later reveal a boy with the complexion of the literal sun dressed in a colorful beanie, a Peppa Pig T-shirt and mismatched socks._ _ _ _

____“So,” Zhengting takes this as a cue, clapping his hands together. “This is where we introduce ourselves, but since these brats are emotionally stunted morons, I’ll be doing the introducing.”_ _ _ _

_____(“I’m not an emotionally stunted moron,” someone whispers, but nobody’s listening. No one ever listens.)_ _ _ _ _

______“What about Ziyi?” Ugly Sweater asks._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s 4:45 right now,” Zhengting taps at his wristwatch. “He has an essay due at five and last time I checked which was ten minutes ago he still had three pages left to reach the minimum word requirement.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ah.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Anyway,” Zhengting glares at everyone, daring someone to interrupt him again before turning to smile at Xukun, “only half of us are here right now so you’ll just have to get acquainted with the rest later. You already know but just in case I’m Zhu Zhengting, the president of Iota Pi Delta.” He gives a sweeping, expectant look at everyone before giving himself several half-hearted claps of lone applause._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zhengting turns to Ugly Sweater. “This is Wenjun. He’s, like, a pedophile who lures naïve, unknowing children into his man-den with candy, so stay away from him.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“All I did was give him chocolate,” Wenjun mumbles._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zhengting ignores him. “Xinchun is a stat major like Wenjun,” he points at Big Bang Groupie, “but unlike Wenjun also happens to be a considerate and wholesome person.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Hey,” Xinchun gives a slight wave and it'd be cute, really, if there weren't so many wristbands with motivational quotes inscribed on them bouncing on his forearm. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________“That’s Ziyang and Yue Yue,” Zhengting gestures toward Headphones and Man Bun, who both look they’d rather be playing Mario Kart at the moment, then points to Hamster Face, who’s still picking at the wrapped box, “and Quanzhe over there is my precious son. Well, one of them. And no, you can’t have the chocolate, they’re bad for your health.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Quanzhe reluctantly slides the box of chocolate onto the tea table. “Yes, Mom.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“This is Dinghao who’s in polisci,” Zhengting continues, nodding at Peppa Pig who’s still standing, “and Linong, who’s also in the science department like you, but call him Nong Nong,” and Perpetual Smile’s eyes smear into half-moons again at his mention. Then he points at Manhua Character on the beanbag, “Yanjun’s a lit major and Jeffrey double majors in French and, um, what was it again?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Spanish and Portuguese Studies,” Stoned Guy says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, that,” Zhengting coughs before pointing down the opposite hall. “Ziyi’s working on his essay right now and for the sake of his grade let’s not disturb him, but you’ll be rooming with him. And lastly, this here is Xingjie,” he turns back and pats Bouncer (who’s still grabbing Xukun by the edge of his sleeve) on the shoulder. “He’s the vice president in name but actually rarely does anything useful.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Xingjie seems to be used to this sort of treatment and just shrugs, releasing Xukun as Zhengting throws his hands into the air. “And that’s it for now. Any questions before we get you settled?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________(“I have a question,” someone whispers, “What about me?” but nobody’s paying attention. “You forgot me, Zhengting,” but no-one’s listening. No-one ever—)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What about him?” Xukun makes a finger gun at Mint Hair, who looks surprised and profoundly grateful to be pointed out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Oh, that’s Chengcheng, but nobody really cares about him and neither should you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________And all of a sudden, something clicks. Xukun feels his jaw drop. “You mean, Chengcheng as in Fan Chengcheng who’s—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Fan Bingbing’s brother? Yes, but nobody cares. If that’s all, we’re good, meeting’s over, go back to doing whatever you were doing,” and as soon as Zhengting says this Wenjun waddles over to the the wrapped box on the tea table and drops it right back into Quanzhe’s eager hands, next to Yue Yue who selects Rainbow Road, eliciting a string of curses Xukun’s never heard before from Ziyang. Yanjun says something in Taiwanese to Nong Nong who heads through a doorway toward what Xukun supposes is the kitchen, but Xukun never gets to see because Zhengting is shoving the handle of his baggage case into his hand and telling him that he’s going to show him to his room, heading toward the opposite hallway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Xukun follows him until the third door on the right, where Zhengting brings a finger to his lips, mimicking a shushing gesture before knocking, and Xukun only has five seconds to pray to the gods of every religion he’s heard of that this Ziyi guy or whatever his name is is relatively normal and respects others’ privacy before shuffling footsteps, the clinking sound of someone untangling keychains and a turning doorknob are the only things between Xukun and imminent doom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Xukun already has a bad feeling when the sleeves of a familiar grey Iota Pi Delta sweatshirt peek over the margin of the door, but he isn’t prepared for what comes next because—_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We’re really sorry to disturb,” Zhengting says with worry wrinkled all over his features, “but is it cool for us to step in for a few so Xukun can move his things in? He’s our new pledge.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Cute guy from OChem rubs his nose. “No worries, man, I just finished my paper. On time, too,” and points to a electronic clock display behind him that reads 4:56 PM, but Xukun’s not really paying attention._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Because Jesus fuck, that face. And that jawline. And the way that soft smile just sits knowingly on the corners of his mouth. And—_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What’s up, bro,” he gives a two-fingered salute, and Xukun can’t stop thinking about how skinny and long his fingers are, “I’m Wang Ziyi.” And then Ziyi’s looking straight at him with wide eyes dissecting him down to the very last pore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Back in the living room, someone screams, an accurate representation of Xukun’s mental well-being._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Joining Iota Pi Delta, Xukun tells himself, is definitely for the resumé._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. chapter 1: raise, call, fold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the late update! I spent too much time watching Hot Blood Dance Crew and The Street Dance of China (yeeee get that public exposure Jawn Ha); also, I have no beta reader so I need to find ways to force I mean coax my brother into humor-checking this for me. I know this is a very ambitious fic with a lot of characters so after the next chapter I’ll also throw in a cheat sheet/character list+details with a few bonuses!

_i. raise_

 

Xukun looks at the bills on the table. Then at Nong Nong, who’s holding a black duffel bag (Xukun has no idea what’s inside, or whether he wants to know). Then at Dinghao and Rui (feline features, shoulder-length hair, “that’s Rui- _ge_ to you”), who have an iron grip on him from both sides and don’t seem ready to let go anytime soon. Then back at the table.

 

“So it’s basically a glorified gambling ring.”

 

“Yup!” Nong Nong chirps, earning a nod from Xingjie.

 

“No, no,” Zeren shushes Nong Nong with a patronizing finger. “We make _informed_ bets. ‘Tis a laying of the odds.”

 

“A flirtation with fate,” Yanjun whispers loudly. “A dance with destiny.” Then a bit softer, “Appreciate my alliteration.”

 

“Big words for a big boy,” Ziyang pats him on the head.

 

Dinghao raises two upturned palms. “A game of inconceivable stakes, a—”

 

“Pathological disorder. You have a gambling addiction, you fuckin’ psychos,” Xiao Gui proposes. Xukun vaguely recalls having thought, _What the fuck kind of name is that?_ upon first contact—afterward, Xingjie would explain (out of earshot) that Xiao Gui’s real name is Wang Linkai, but calling him that runs a good risk of getting stabbed. Something about having to maintain street cred, for the sake of hip hop.

 

“You’re only mad ‘cause we expelled you,” Yanchen (round glasses, pretty nose and a lightbulb-bright smile that Xukun’s all for until he learns that the hidden meaning behind _sunshine teeth_ is _shit-eating grin_ ) presses a hand against his heart, “for _cheating_.”

 

“Cheater cheater pumpkin eater,” Ziyang narrows his eyes.

 

“Heretical treachery,” a scoff ghosts at Yanjun’s lips.

 

“Violating the highest law of the land,” Rui gestures, tiptoeing to stress how high, which Xukun thinks probably loses its effect next to Ziyang.

 

“Which is bullshit,” Xiao Gui plucks at the fraying corner of his sleeve. “I’ve never violated any kind of law in my life.”

 

Xingjie’s eye twitches.

 

“I haven’t violated a law in the past three months,” Xiao Gui amends.

 

“A _lie_ ,” Yanchen hisses, saliva spraying on Zeren’s cheek, “because an 89% win rate isn’t possible without divine intervention.”

 

“I didn’t do shit, though. Your salty fuckin’ asses just couldn’t handle my intuition,” Xiao Gui sticks his tongue out from between his teeth. “Besides, Nong Nong wins even more than I do.”

 

“How do you cheat on a bet, though?” Xukun asks, now genuinely curious. “Unless you all agreed to bet on something he manipulated ahead of time, but I don’t see how he can do that more than two or three—”

 

“No, it’s worse,” Zeren leans forward, wiping the spit off his face with Yanchen’s collar. Yum. “Much, much worse. He...he...” Zeren puts his hand on his forehead, palm facing outward, before staggering dramatically to the floor, unable to continue.

 

“He consulted The Jeffrey,” Nong Nong finishes solemnly.

 

Xukun has several questions like what does Jeffrey have to do with your cult I mean gambling ring he seems like a nice guy and why is there a “the” before Jeffrey’s name but Dinghao’s arms move faster than his words and he’s shoved behind Rui as they all arrange themselves into a single file line, Yanchen at the helm.

 

“It’s better to show you than explain,” Zeren breathes creepily into Xukun’s ear.

 

“Roll call!” Yanchen raises a fist. “Class B Member Zhu Xingjie!”

 

“Here,” Xingjie says with a dazed expression on his face, mentally far, far away. Xukun doesn’t blame him.

 

“Council Lord Swiggity Swaggity Diggity Daddy!”

 

“Sir yes sir!” Zeren salutes.

 

“Council Lord Lu Dinghao!”

 

“Here!”

 

“Disqualified Cheating Shithead Xiao Gui!”

 

“Your mom is a cheating shithead.”

 

Yanchen freezes, then turns around slowly, a serious expression on his face. “She actually cheated on my dad several times.”

 

From behind Xukun can only see Xiao Gui’s shoulders tensing. “I-I’m really sorry, I had no idea. I didn’t mean to—”

 

“Just kidding.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

Yanchen makes a face before turning back around. “Class A Member YangYangLovesSana.”

 

Dinghao and Rui snicker. “Right here,” Ziyang mumbles, covering an embarrassed wince with one hand, “and don’t call me by my old Twitter handle, that’s unethical disclosure of private information.”

 

“You should’ve never made your Twitter handle something you may regret then,” Yanchen points out. “Class A Member Chen Linong!”

 

“Present!” Nong Nong does a miniature hop. It’s almost cute, Xukun supposes, if it weren’t for the duffel bag bouncing menacingly.

 

“Council Lord Lowercase X Capital X Underscore Shadow Flame Dragon Six Nine Underscore Capital X Lowercase X Colon D!”

 

“Hell yeah,” Yanjun dabs twice, “here.”

 

“Class B Member Zhou Rui!”

 

“Zhou Rui _ge_ ,” Rui corrects.

 

“And finally, our latest noob, I mean recruit, um, what was your name again?”

 

Zeren elbows Xukun from behind, in the ticklish spot between his right shoulder and spine. Xukun shudders, rubbing the side of his nose. “I’m pretty sure I told you five times already, my name’s Cai Xukun. And I don’t really want to be a part of this—”

 

“Great, all in attendance!” Yanchen clasps his hands together. “To the Jeffroom, peasants.”

  


_ii. call_

 

The Jeffroom happens to be the room directly across from Xukun’s, imposing white door unremarkable in every way except for a chunk of brown with all the paint scratched off and a mini whiteboard hung over the coat hanger where someone (by now Xukun has a vague idea of who it may be) had scrawled, in terrible handwriting, “THE JEFFROOM”. Yanchen stops them in the hall, walking up to stand before the closed door alone to kowtow thrice before knocking.

 

“One sec,” a quiet voice calls out, then “shit, wait, I think I stepped on something.” Yanjun starts to say something but is immediately shushed by Yanchen’s solemn _shut the fuck up_ gesture.

 

Half a minute later, the door creaks open.

 

“Behold,” Yanchen flutters his fingers, “The Jeffrey.”

 

As if on cue, Yanjun raises his arms in a V. “The Oracle.”

 

“Praise be His name,” Dinghao chants.

 

“A Prophet, in these dark times,” Zeren whispers. “The hero this economy needs but doesn’t deserve.”

 

“Hi,” says Jeffrey.

 

“We have come to seek your guidance, O Great Jeff,” Yanchen cries out, bent over one knee.

 

“I still don’t know what’s going on,” Xukun taps Dinghao on the shoulder.

 

“Oh, His Jeffreyness updates our security system, which makes him in charge of all the security cameras,” Dinghao plays with the strings on his hoodie. Xukun glances upward, catching a red light blink from the corner of the hallway ceiling. “He has access to everything recorded in the hallways and common areas.”

 

“Jeffrey sees all,” Zeren exhales over Xukun’s shoulder, making him jump. “Jeffrey knows all. Wherever you are, Jeffrey is watching.”

 

“Please don’t do that anymore,” Xukun whispers back.

 

“Please don’t do what?”

 

“That breathing in my ear thing,” Xukun tries to say, but Yanchen’s snapping fingers and subsequent shout—“Yanjun! The offering!”—drowns out Xukun’s voice.

 

Four bottles of Açaí Blueberry Pomegranate Vitamin Water roll to a stop at Jeffrey’s feet.

 

“...Right,” Jeffrey rubs his eyes as if he’s just woken up, stooping to grab the bottles, two under each arm. “So you want just last night, right?”

 

“Soothsayer, say thy sooth,” Yanchen holds out his hand expectantly. Jeffrey struggles to fish something out of his pocket (which is pretty impressive, Xukun admits, considering the Vitamin Water), then drops it into Yanchen’s waiting palm before closing the door, presumably to go back to sleep. Yanchen tosses it to Zeren, who holds it up in the air.

 

“Which Yunbro drank Fen’s last mango yogurt? Who left four bowls of oyster sauce in the sink overnight? How much money will Yanjun lose to Nong Nong? The answers to all our questions is here,” Zeren waves a USB stick, “here...in this...evidence...box.”

 

“Security feed,” Yanchen provides.

 

“Evidence box,” Zeren repeats, passing the USB to Nong Nong, who squats, slinging the duffel bag to the front of his body. “Class A Member Chen Linong. Will you do the honors?”

 

“Yee,” Nong Nong unzips the duffel bag, pulling out a laptop and setting it on the floor as everyone rushes to huddle around him. He turns it on and plugs in the USB, pulling up the USB’s content window so fast Xukun almost misses the Mudkip screensaver. “I’m hungry,” Xukun hears Xingjie grumble as Nong Nong double clicks on the sole file, scrolling through hours of static feed until a blur of movement. Pause, rewind. “Here we go,” he sniffs once before pressing play.

 

“Uh oh spaghetti-Os,” Yanjun says, eyes widening in recognition at the figure opening the refrigerator door.

 

“Fucking hell,” Ziyang scratches his neck nervously.

 

Xingjie yawns.

 

“No way,” Zeren wheezes into Xukun’s ear.

 

“Fifty-two dollars, bitches,” Yanchen screams.

 

“It’s not over yet,” Nong Nong says, and immediately the figure pulls out a Ziploc bag with a chocolate chip cookie in it before leaving the room.

 

“Wait, that’s my cookie,” Rui frowns.

 

Only a few more seconds and Nong Nong’s eyes crinkle into upside-down smiles. “I’ll be taking that fifty-two.” Another person enters the frame, and the first thing Xukun notices is that his pajama pants and top are perfectly coordinated.

 

“But,” Yanchen’s grin melts, bottom lip beginning to quiver, “only the twins aren’t afraid of touching Fen’s stuff.” The guy in the video tosses an empty carton into the trash.

 

“Yeah,” Nong Nong sings, “but Mubo and Fen are _married_.”

 

“Does nobody care that Yuntian just took my cookie?” Rui asks. “Because I do. I spent _fifteen minutes_ looking for that this morning.”

 

“Nobody cares,” Dinghao says.

 

Yanchen waggles a finger. “There’s one more though. I’m not going negative today.”

 

After more scrolling, the appearance of another (freakishly monstrously tall, and here Xukun thought Ziyang was a giant) figure, and matching strangled yelps from Yanjun, Dinghao and Rui, Yanchen’s expression relaxes. “That makes four in the black.”

 

“Why would anyone bet _against_ Bu Fan leaving nasty shit in the sink, you fuckin’ dumbasses,” Xiao Gui mutters.

 

“So,” Nong Nong makes a finger heart. “Does anyone have anything to say before I start collecting?”

  


_iii. fold_

 

Bu Fan sits next to Ziyi’s stuffed penguin (Boom Boom Taker or some other stupid name, fucked if Bu Fan knows what goes through Ziyi’s head), shaking the entire bed. “If I buy you lunch tomorrow, will you do my dishes now?”

 

“Depends,” Ziyi taps his chin thoughtfully. “What’re you getting me?”

 

“Something good, I promise. Zhangjing freeloads off me all the time, so I’m a regular at every restaurant in the city by now.” After noticing that Ziyi isn’t actually listening, Bu Fan lets a few seconds of awkward silence pass before lowering his voice. “What happened with the new guy just now?”

 

“...Hmmm? Oh, nothing.”

 

“Really though,” Bu Fan prods Ziyi’s cheek with a finger. No response. “Cai Xukun, right? Isn’t that the 'cute guy in OChem' you always talk about?”

 

“Mmm...” Ziyi’s eyes grow starry.

 

Bu Fan watches Ziyi for a second before whispering, “What the fuck are you mmmpffph— _”_

 

“Don’t talk,” Ziyi covers Bu Fan’s mouth with his hand, holds up an index finger with the other to test the spiritual energy in the air. “I feel a flashback coming.”

 

**{thirty minutes ago}**

 

_“What’s up, bro?” Ziyi salutes and the boy blinks several times rapidly but oh, there’s this tuft of hair that’s out of place and Ziyi kind of maybe wants to adjust it, returning it to its perfect place on that perfect, perfect head._

 

“Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?” a voice pierces through the veil of time.

 

Ziyi ignores it. _“I-I’m Cai Xukun,” the boy stutters, and Ziyi wants to say “I know” but he’s afraid it’ll sound really creepy._

 

“You are really creepy though. Didn’t you say you figured out his name because you went around asking half the class while he was in the bathroom?”

 

“Don’t interrupt the story,” Ziyi sulks, cradling Boom Boom Taker in his arms. Bu Fan sighs. “Fine. What happened next?”

 

_“That’s...um...a cool name,” Ziyi says, and he feels like a mess of too-long limbs and disheveled hair, painfully aware that he’s in basketball shorts. Why now of all times? Why not a few hours earlier, when his hair was neatly combed and he was still procrastinating on his paper?_

 

_“Yeah,” Xukun nervously rolls his luggage back and forth. “Cool.”_

 

_Not wanting to let Xukun’s first impression of him turn sour, Ziyi tries to reply intelligently but the only thing that stumbles out of his mouth is an ugly, gruff sound. “Yeah,” Ziyi breathes and wishes he'd stop breathing._

 

_“...Yeah.”_

 

_Zhengting stares for a bit before shoving Xukun forward. “I’ll leave you two alone for a while to get acquainted.”_

 

“Haha, nice one, Zhengting. You know, he may be a really nosy guy but he’s a lot more perceptive than most people give him credit for...” Bu Fan trails off, noticing the look Ziyi gives him. A gentle glare, if glares can be gentle. Whatever, Bu Fan can’t imagine Ziyi without the word “gentle” qualifying his every movement.

 

“Are you done?”

 

“Let a man live,” Bu Fan grumbles.

 

_A few (very) distracting seconds go by before Ziyi remembers his manners. “I can help you with that,” Ziyi reaches for the luggage._

 

_Xukun’s body stiffens. “It’s okay, I can handle it myself.”_

 

_Ziyi flinches, jerking his hand back. “You sure? I—”_

 

_“No, really, it’s fine,” Xukun says, louder this time, and Ziyi feels something inside his ribcage die._

 

_“Okay then,” Ziyi says before grimacing. Fuck, that probably came off as really cold and dismissive._

 

_It’s confirmed on Xukun’s stern face and multiplied when he rattles the lock on his luggage case. “Can you leave me alone for a few minutes? I...forgot my password and I kind of need to figure it out to open this.”_

 

“You done fucked up,” Bu Fan remarks, patting Ziyi sympathetically. “Probably thinks you’re a douche.”

 

Yeah, Ziyi agrees silently. He really fucked up. But a lot worse than that, he doesn’t tell Bu Fan. Doesn’t tell him what comes after, because—

 

_Fate feels the profound need to be an asshole at that very moment, throwing the door open and letting Zeren stomp in. What’s up, bro, Ziyi’s ready to say but the words never leave his tongue because Zeren gets there first. “Hey, Yanchen just came back from class. He wants to meet the new guy.” He seizes Xukun by his sleeve. “Let’s go, new guy.”_

 

_The sinking sensation in Ziyi’s chest plummets, submerging itself in a growing emptiness. Ziyi feels his own fists tighten, his lips contort into an unpleasant shape. “Why doesn’t he come and talk to him here?”_

 

 _Zeren shrugs, but from his stare Ziyi can read what he’s trying to say:_ you know why _. From the corner of his eyes Ziyi can see Xukun studying him, arms crossed, a guarded expression briefly passing over his face before it’s carefully hidden beneath an inscrutable mask._

 

_Before Ziyi can say anything else, Zeren and Xukun are already gone, leaving Ziyi alone, sitting in the darkness and waiting for something to happen._

 

_Nothing does._

  
  


Bonus: _iv. open_

 

For his birthday he’d gotten Zhengting a necktie. Over and under, slip the tail end into the breast pocket of your shirt where your heart is. To keep it safe where it belongs.

 

Gold, for the way you glow like the sun, Chengcheng explains. And red, for that apple color dusting your cheeks, the fire of a hearth I can’t live without. Stripes that run parallel to the slope of your shoulders like little lines of magic. A ribbon ‘round your neck ‘cause you’re the greatest gift to the world.

 

“It’s perfect,” Zhengting pats the right side of his chest, where he’s neatly folded and tucked the tie. “Thank you,” he mouths. Then smiles, this brilliant thing that illuminates everything Chengcheng’s ever known.

 

Chengcheng hums, closing his eyes for a brief moment. Camera shutter to his soul, daylight flashing past, a fleeting moment captured forever.

 

“The heart’s on the left side of the body, you fucking idiots,” Dinghao says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a crack fic but I actually rarely write crack, and I’m 100% an angst writer at heart so...yeah. Sorry. At least I ended this with Chengting fluff, yeah?
> 
> changes:  
> 1\. formatting. I'm switching over to pasting Rich Text so everything's spaced differently now. If it's bothersome to read (if so please tell me) I might get around to adjusting it!  
> 2\. added Qin Fen/Mubo (not sure why that wasn't there in the first place) as a tag and Zhenghao as a character. I'm also going to be open to comment suggestions for other trainees' appearances. I can't give guarantees for anything and I have to establish the main cast first but I'll definitely take them into consideration C:


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